Smile! .. When you're ready

You hear it all the time: 'It's all about perspective.' 'Keep a positive outlook.' 'Look on the bright side.' 'Find the silver lining.' 'The cup is half full.'

It's really easy to say these things. I teach my students that even faking a smile for a bit in the mornings will give trick their brains into thinking they're happy and will start the day off better. Studies have proven this time and time again. If it's as simple as holding a pencil between your teeth, then why is it so difficult?

I try to look on the bright side of things. I constantly remind myself to focus on the good things and not to dwell on the negative. This is particularly difficult for someone like me because I've suffered from anxiety issues my entire life.

This past week (about half an hour after publishing my last post) I decided that if I'm bored of snow days and have cabin fever I can get myself out of the house to find something interesting to do! About five minutes later my car was struck pretty hard by another vehicle as I drove down my own street.

This was traumatic for me. I've experienced my fair share of difficulty in life, but it's just different when it's something so sudden and drastic. (i guess I'm just more accustomed to the long, drawn out kind?) I have spent a few days now trying SO HARD to stay positive. The accident was pretty hard on my family as well. It's understandable. For them, seeing me come so close to dying was jarring. They'd like to forget it. They want to be at the point where we make jokes. They want me on the road again. They want me to buy a new car already.

For me it's too soon. It's not because I'm feeling weirdly sentimental about an inanimate object (although, that car did give its life to save mine). It's more than that. They can forget. They can laugh. But at the end of the day, when I close my eyes to go to sleep, I'm the one who re-lives it. I feel and see and hear the accident over and over. I replay it looking for ways it could have been avoided. I look at the pictures trying to figure out whose fault it really was.

I've always been the type of person who really struggles between the logical and emotional sides. I am extremely sensitive and feeling and empathetic, but I act almost exclusively on logic. This is a very difficult thing to do. I feel one way, but then I make a pro/con list and follow its outcome regardless of how I feel. This has led to some good and bad times.

I could try making a pro/con list for the accident, but I know it'll come out pros. I'm alive with minimal damage. No one else was hurt. The other gentleman had insurance. The car saved my life. I wasn't far from home when it happened..I could go on.

But, you know what? I'm simply not ready. I get to move on at my own speed and comfort level. If I'm not ready for a roadtrip, be understanding. If I'm staring into space or feeling down, please don't remind me of how lucky I am. I know this. I'm blessed. It could have been so much worse.

But I'm not ready to not be sad.

#lifestyle #thoughts